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How Best to Control Your Kids

Lots of parents wonder why my kids are so well behaved and get 100's on their spelling tests.  Well, I thought I would share my secrets to raising great kids.  I have seen those other asshat parents all over the media about how to control their kids.  Tiger mom, Wolf dad and the new entry Pistol Packing Papa.  They go to such extremes to control their kids.  In reality, it is not so hard to control them and get them to do what you want.

Two simple words: Bribery and Blackmail.  Yes, I did say bribery and blackmail.  Let me explain myself before everyone tells me I am a bad dad and that my children are having a terrible childhood.

I have two kids, Gomer and Adolpha.  Gomer is a 7 year old boy and Adolpha is a 5 year old girl.  They are totally different, beyond being a boy and girl, and 2 years apart, they have totally different personalities.  If you don't believe me, just check out this conversation they had the other day.

Ever since birth, Gomer has been a very easy going child.  He started sleeping through the night at three weeks, yes those babies do exist.  He has always wanted to do the right thing and looked for our approval and love.  Gomer loves to be recognized for his efforts and rewarded.  This is the type of child who Bribery is perfect for. 

Gomer is now in 1st grade and he gets a new spelling test every week.  At first he did not really care about getting a 100% on his tests.  I didn't want to pull the Tiger Mom thing and work him to death, but I felt that trying his best was important.  So, I had to try something different.  I told Gomer that if he came home with 100% on his test every week, we would go get something special after the test.  Guess what Gomer picked? Yes, Frozen Yogurt.  Simple, easy, no fuss, no muss, just a few dollars a week and Gomer tries his best to get the 100% on his spelling test.  Apparently frozen yogurt is like CRACK to these kids.  I keep Gomer on the YoCrack and I get him to care about getting 100s on his tests.  I know that YoCrack is not going get him into Harvard, but I bet a few well placed video games and some cash bonuses for stellar SAT scores just might.

Adolpha is a totally different story.  She was difficult from birth.  Hard to manage, cried all the time, very stubborn, and did not want to fall asleep unless she was left alone.  Yes, left alone in the crib, not held and rocked to sleep, but would only fall asleep if you put her down, alone in her cold crib.  What kind of baby does this?  Her older brother Gomer LOVED to be held.  Adolpha would just cry and cry if you thought your job was to rock her to sleep.  She was really not interested in all that close human contact.  She is very strong willed and will not back down to anyone (much like her mother).  It seemed as if she couldn't care less about what you wanted her to do.  She definitely couldn't care less about the consequences.  We would say, "You can't go get frozen yogurt if you don't listen," and her reply was "OK."  We would say if you don't do what we say, we are taking away this toy and her reply was "Here you go" and she would hand us the toy.  We have tried everything, until one day I came up with something that was pure genius.

Adolpha did not care about any of her toys except a stuffed dog named "PUPPY."  She carried Puppy everywhere.  She loved Puppy even more than most of her family members.  One day I was furious because Adolpha would not listen to me, so I took Puppy and gave Puppy the spanking of its life. Adolpha screamed like she was an extra in "SCREAM" and about to be hacked.  Adolpha was so scared and terrified that Puppy would get another beating that she did everything that I demanded.  Now, it's not just the threat of physical harm on Puppy that worked, even the thought of being separated from Puppy was enough to get Adolpha in line.  We can say things like "Puppy will not sleep with you, and Puppy will be all alone and very sad."  This seems to get her attention every time now.

My best advice is to find the "PUPPY" of your child.  The most prized toy, stuffed animal or possession your child has and use it to blackmail your child.  It just works.  Even better, if they don't have something they love, you need to GIVE them a toy or stuffed animal they will love just so you can take it away and use it for blackmail.  I know, that sounds terrible, but try it, you'll like it.  Easy, quick and fast results.

So here it is, the secrets of my success.  Bribery and Blackmail.  I am not interested in making my kids run outside in the cold snow wearing only underwear, I don't want to shoot my child's computer with a .45, and I don't want to make my kids hate me because I make them practice piano for 3 hours straight and tell them that they are garbage.  Or worse yet, do what these caretakers did and run your third grader to death, literally.

No, I just like to take my kids out for YoCrack once a week and threaten to spank a stuffed animal.  The way I see it, I am just getting them ready for the real world.  What do you think "WORK" is all about?  Your BOSS tells you to do something and you get paid for it.  If you don't do what your BOSS says, you lose your job and you don't get paid.  Hmmm...sounds like my kids are learning about the real world at an early age and getting a head start.

One last piece of advice.  You must start this at a very young age.  Kids are like young Jedi knights and their "Force" is getting stronger everyday.  We are like Darth Vader and growing old and weak with each passing day.  As the "Father" we must control and break the spirits of our young Padawans early before their Force grows too strong and overtakes us.  Remember the time when Darth Vader had to chop off Luke's hand just to get his point across?  That would not have happened if Darth Vader was able to train Luke from the time he was a young padawan.  Yes, Star Wars can answer any and all questions concerning parenting.

If you don't agree with this post, that is fine.  If you agree with this post, that is even better.  BUT, if you choose to base your parenting style on something you read on a blog called "Agrivated," I think you should take a step back and get a sense of humor.

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Dear Jen Letter - Valentine

My Dearest Jen,
Congratulations on your blog.  I am so happy that you are getting so many people to read it.  Now that you have told everyone your account of how we met, I feel like I need to set the record straight and tell my side of the story.  Well the truth pretty much happened as you told it.  But let me stress just one thing, me giving out my pager number was special.  Not all the ladies got those digits.
Now that you have officially ruined any chance of me ever getting a date with anyone else, I think it is only fair that you "get with me" with more frequency.  More "Special Time" if you will. 
I know how everyone loves your lists, so I came up with one myself.
I have 10 very compelling reasons why you really should "spend more time with me."
1. I cook for you and the kids.  Don't deny it.  You and the kids love my cooking and you'd all starve if I wasn't here.  If they wanted everything burnt, they would ask for you.

2. I load and unload the dishwasher.  I figure, if I'm doing all the cooking, I might as well do the clean up while I'm there.

3. I get up every morning and feed the kids and let you sleep in for an extra 30 minutes of sleep. I'm sure many women would gladly give anything for that.

4. "I love you” and you are the “best and ONLY mother of my children.”

5. It is a healthy way to stay in shape.  Everyone needs some cardio, so I am just helping you out with your workout and looking out for your best interest.  I am always looking out for you first.

6. Even though it is a “jungle” down there, I am still willing to brave that “jungle.”  NOTE: I heard that the Brazilians have cutting edge technologies to deal with the jungle.  You might want to look into it.
7. I'm SURE it was part of our wedding vows or something.  Maybe it was in my head, but that should count.

8. If you “Love” me.  "Show" me.  Repeat as often as possible.

9. It's only 5 minutes out of your day.  Not that I keep track or anything.
10. I have a GREAT sense of humor.  That's why I know you want to "get with me."

Marriage is a give and take.  I just give and give and give.  I think it is time you did a little giving.  I am sure everyone reading this will agree with me.  I deserve a little more "Special Time" with my wonderfully super talented wife.

PS. Consider this your Valentine's gift.  Don't ask for a card or a gift this year. Having me as your HUBS should be gift enough.